I'm rad. You're rad. Let's hug

People who cheat don't deserve to have lovers.

And before you start seething, this isn't about you babe. You should stop being such an attention whore.

I know what's running through your mind, and I agree. It does take one to know one.

I am every name you can call me under the sun. What of it?

1) Never date a bisexual.

2) Never introduce your bisexual exes to each other.

3) When one of them asks the other who was a better shag....pitch a spaz.

Lmao.

You have no idea.

Any offers? XD

Wow. You know, it's funny how things change, and how predictible some people are.

Blowing everything out of proportion again, are we?

This morning, I'm happy despite the absence of Jessie, my bestestestestest buddy in the whole cosmos. It's funny how someone's absence can create a void within you. I miss her excessive daiquiri drinking, her leopard print, her wise words ‘fuck you, you cuntard’, her frange, her red heels, her jolly laughter. And even though she's starting to sound like Santa Claus, quite possibly the most perverted character that ever was (or rather, wasn't, sorry to break it to you), I really do miss her. She’s spending the day with her Chad and it’s only fair that she hangs out with her boyfriend every now and then instead of spending all of her time with me. To answer your questions, I have met The Chad and her Chad is much much much hunkier than my Kirk, not to mention smarter. However, even with Kirk here (snoring like a pig with the biggest drool patch I’ve ever seen) I’m feeling lonely because she’s not here, which is frightening to say the least.

Am I a building?

You see, once you build a building, how can you move it without destroying its foundations? If you destroy the foundations, you destroy the building. My friends are my cement. I just don't know if I can ever bring myself to leave them. And yet, I’ve destroyed a fair amount of friendships in my time…in my time? Hell, I’m still doing it, and I’m well aware of it. I know we were close and it was easy to talk but now we’ve drifted apart and everyone seems to be unapproachable. But I know it’s mainly due to my inconsistence, and no, I don’t expect sympathy or a medal or comments saying we can re-establish our friendship because I was able to admit that it’s my fault everything’s fucked up because I don’t deserve it as I know I’m not gonna change.

I know I said I’d write, call, text. I said I hoped this’ll last longer than a spill session but it didn’t because of me. I’ve become a stalker, always checking from the shadows that everyone’s okay but never saying anything. The truth is I miss you guys and I’m sorry, I truly am that it’s ended up like this and I wish I could change things; I wish I could change me but I can’t. But you’re better of without me. Who wants a friend you have to chase after, to force to hang out with you, to force to even talk to you?

So if I’m capable of that, I’m not a building; I’m a tent at Download. I’m surrounded by other like-minded tents. They might up and move but no matter, there are plenty of other tents around. I make friends easily but keeping them I struggle with. I know now more than ever I’ve refused to have contact with most people, I just have my small circle who know what’s going on and how I feel and what I’m going through. Your friendship doesn’t make up for the fact that instead of sitting here writing a blog, getting over the activities of last night and recovering form the excessive drinking, I would be sat with a baby in my arms. Most of you weren’t aware of it but now you know.

Fate is cruel. It labelled me Mother of my friends, having to look after them and provide a shoulder to cry on. Maybe I decided my own fate by choosing to take on the role to make sure none of you had to feel any more misery than you had to, but is it too much to ask for that in return? If it is, then you know why I never told you certain things, why I keep you at arms length, why I don’t consider you my cement.

Damn, this entry was meant to be a happy one. I felt happy this morning but alas, it is now the afternoon.

Alexis

So, unfortunately for you, I’ve now returned from my slight hiatus from the internet, work, friends, and basically from living my life. My phone’s back on and I’m checking my email so I’ll be pretty easy to catch from now on. If you’re interested.

The week of isolation was much needed; I just had to shut out everything and focus on my priorities, i.e. getting back on good terms with Dad, clearing up a few things with Bugz and Kirk, and as strange as it might sound, getting to know me again.

In other news, Jess Jess Jessie is finally back from the states (and it’s about bloody time!). Funny thing happened last week: She called me and Evan picked up. I asked him to answer my calls and tell everyone I was dead because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. It was just amusing watching Evan cry down the phone telling a blatant lie. ‘She’s dead!! My only remaining sibling, my only sister and she’s gone and I was such a good brother, wasn’t I?’

...

I guess you had to be there to find it funny.

The sunshine is melting me; I’ve been living under my bed recently. Yeah, I made a fort

Hurrah for non-attention-seeking entries XD

And Toby you wanker, I want my orgasm inducing camera back. You’re getting a bollocking either way so it’s no use avoiding my calls

Alexis

And I blame you.

Today's not been as bad as I thought it'd be. But I'm still glad it's over.

It was Joshua's 10th birthday today. Like we have done the past 2 years, we went down to his grave. But for the first time no one fell to the ground sobbing. Dad was quiet for once, Mum was crying to herself, Evan looked distant and I felt...strangely numb. It was weird. It was nice being there, I need to go down more often. Today was the first time I'd been there since Connor and I broke up.

I sometimes see myself having conversations with him but about stuff that happened after he died. On my way home from Uni or whatever I'll be racapping on the day and think 'whoa, wait till Joshua hears about this' but then I realise that he won't, nor will he ever hear any of the stories I've got to tell him. I mean, maybe he does hear them when I talk to him but he'll never be able to respond. I'll never be able to hear his voice again.

In other news, the rubbish with Kelly has been sorted. Hopefully. She won't be bugging me or Evan again. Do whatever the fuck you want with Connor, Kelz. Just know that Toby won't be far behind. That is all.

Alexis